Neurotica Page 11

Life is full of ups and downs, but nothing is worst than cats in your garbage. However, unlike life, garbage mining cats can be easily dealt with. All it takes is some time, a bit of thought, a balloon, and some bacon grease.

  Simply inflate the balloon and spread the bacon grease all over it. Once it is fully coated, carefully place the balloon inside the garbage can - with the lid off, so the cats can obtain easy access to it. Remember to target the garbage can that historically attracts the most cats. Then go to bed, resting assured that you will no longer be awakening to spilt garbage.

  While you sleep, the irresistible aroma of bacon grease will waft through the neighbourhood, undoubtedly attracting trouble-making cats. When they encounter the balloon, pure instinct will drive them to lick it. This quickly escalates to biting. Before they know it, the balloon bursts, sending cats scurrying for cover. From that moment on, the cats’ interest will no longer be sufficient enough to justify a return visit.

  If, by chance, you find this method doesn’t work, then switch from bacon grease to fish oil or cream cheese - whatever suits the particular tastes of troublesome cats in your neighbourhood. This method is also moderately effective against unwanted relatives.

  The Future, a Radio, and a Travelling Salesperson